‘Goat Simulator’ is newest research tool for seeker-driven church planners

Although created simply as a harmless, time-wasting video game, Goat Simulator is now the latest tool in the belt of seeker-driven church planners who are looking for the next big thing to attract new attendees.

“Our typical market research is mostly successful at exploiting current trends and making a mockery of them,” explained Ned Young, Jr., lead motivational speaker of Hennoship Church in Grapevine, Texas.  “With Goat Simulator, we are able to experiment with combinations of elements in our worship services such as bungee jumping off running roller coasters with rocket backpacks, jumping between helicopters on motorcycles, and interstate highway parkour. This creates exciting and unique trends that keep people coming in the door to be exhorted to obey God’s command in Malachi 3:10 to pay us ten percent of their gross income.

Not only are experiments in Goat Simulator bringing in new attendees simply on an attractional basis, but they are also generating new evangelism strategies.  “Older evangelism strategies such as calmingly walking up to someone, explaining how awesome Jesus is, and then hopelessly begging him or her to repeat the sinner’s prayer require patience that we simply do not have,” explained Stephen Fertig of Levitation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina.  “Now we have warrant to run into people and gas stations at full steam, just like in Matthew 21:12, audaciously believing that our god has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, even when we are drenched with gasoline.”

Plans for the game’s sequel, Goat Simulator GO, are on hold until the developer’s team of lawyers reviews its potential benefits and risks.

Fundamentalist Church Rejects Fancy Coffee

The congregation of Roy Jack Road Baptist Church in suburban Greenville had a tired and groggy Sunday morning when its newly-installed deacon wanted to provide his congregation of twenty families with something special to drink on Sunday morning instead of the usual black substance that oozes from the church’s 30-year-old aluminum tanks.

“I thought the coffee tasted like charcoal soup,” admitted 35-year-old church deacon John Valley, “so I ordered some air pots from Missio Roasters. They get their beans from missions work in South America.”

Most of the older congregation fiercely rejected the brew.  “What in tarnation is this pernicious juice?” asked Thaddeus Brandshaw, a local rancher.  “It tastes sweet, like devil sweat!”  Other disgruntled members of the adult Sunday School class later complained of headaches and nausea due to caffeine deprivation.

The church’s pastor swore off the new brew, later using the lesson in his sermon.  “I told you last week that fun is sin. Why then are you having fun-fun coffee? Your coffee needs to match your Christian mood: astringent, ascerbic, and acrid!  That’s the way of the old paths!”

Younger-adult congregants who usually don’t drink the church’s coffee escaped headaches, but they were later seen with cups carrying the image of a topless mermaid, a fact which escaped the older congregants.

Following the most boring sermon the pastor had ever delivered, some congregants found themselves stuck at church for several more hours after it was discovered that the church’s ministry bus had been completely drained of its motor oil.  

Missionary Organization Announces Bible Translation for Scandinavian-American Cuisiniers

Following success upon publishing Da Jesus Book, a translation of the Bible into the Hawaiian Pidgin dialect, Wycliffe Bible Translators is now setting out to go beyond dialect and into heavy accent, today announcing that they have translated the Bible for Scandinavian-American cuisiniers.  

Lead translator Leun Vellenberg believes Zee Huly Beeble will serve this community for decades to come.  “Scandinavian-American cuisiniers have long been burdened with having to translate from English into their own hybrid dialect.” Vellenberg explained.  “If you’re an average American English speaker, imagine opening your bible to a popular passage and trying to understand ‘Und ve-a knoo thet fur thuse-a vhu lufe-a Gud ell theengs vurk tugezeer fur guud, fur thuse-a vhu ere-a celled eccurdeeng tu hees poorpuse-a.’  That’s what it’s like for the average Scandinavian cuisinier to read your English bible.”

Reviews among the community are mostly positive.  “I’fe-a elveys strooggled tu reed zee Beeble-a in choorch veethuoot sqooeenting my iyes und cumpletely meessing zee meuneengs ooff vurds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Thees is a reel blesseeng, said Ludvig Bjork, a restauranteur in downtown Dallas.

But fellow restauranteur Spjalle Brodd was not so positive, not because he doesn’t appreciate the translation, but because he has to remove a favorite item from his menu. “I used tu beke-a Izekeeel breed es un eppeteezer fur my gooests. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot I feenelly understuud zee text, und it seys theengs leeke-a ‘See-a, I esseegn tu yuoo coo’s doong insteed ooff hoomun doong, oon vheech yuoo mey prepere-a yuoor breed. Bork bork bork!’ I coon’t du thet. Um de hur de hur de hur. I’ll get errested. Bork bork bork!”

Wycliffe’s next project is rumored to be called 7h3 L337 818L3, a translation aimed at the Internet hacker community.