Fundamentalist Church Rejects Fancy Coffee

The congregation of Roy Jack Road Baptist Church in suburban Greenville had a tired and groggy Sunday morning when its newly-installed deacon wanted to provide his congregation of twenty families with something special to drink on Sunday morning instead of the usual black substance that oozes from the church’s 30-year-old aluminum tanks.

“I thought the coffee tasted like charcoal soup,” admitted 35-year-old church deacon John Valley, “so I ordered some air pots from Missio Roasters. They get their beans from missions work in South America.”

Most of the older congregation fiercely rejected the brew.  “What in tarnation is this pernicious juice?” asked Thaddeus Brandshaw, a local rancher.  “It tastes sweet, like devil sweat!”  Other disgruntled members of the adult Sunday School class later complained of headaches and nausea due to caffeine deprivation.

The church’s pastor swore off the new brew, later using the lesson in his sermon.  “I told you last week that fun is sin. Why then are you having fun-fun coffee? Your coffee needs to match your Christian mood: astringent, ascerbic, and acrid!  That’s the way of the old paths!”

Younger-adult congregants who usually don’t drink the church’s coffee escaped headaches, but they were later seen with cups carrying the image of a topless mermaid, a fact which escaped the older congregants.

Following the most boring sermon the pastor had ever delivered, some congregants found themselves stuck at church for several more hours after it was discovered that the church’s ministry bus had been completely drained of its motor oil.  

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